Archive for the ‘Sheet-twisting’ Category

Heartbeats

April 23, 2008

You know what’s real in these streets? Alcoholism. Like, for serious. A restaurant can serve gasoline-soaked woodchips with Funion garnish for all I give a cotdamn, as long as there are bangin’ ass drink specials. Wednesdays at Anytime features all-night $1 well drinks which I now refer to as communion. If I’m meeting some friends for Sunday afternoon tea, I pick up a handle of Seagram’s on the way. You know, just for mothafunkin’ kicks. Everything is better, ( work, sex, violence, whatever), when the eyelids are a little heavy.

Anyway, the point is of this story, is well…nothing, really. I just wanted to hear myself type.

I do, however, have some related, kick-ass help for the broken-hearted: the ultimate blipster break-up mix. Too sad break-up music makes you a cutter and too happy break-up music just gives you a beat to cut to. Here’s a few songs that are distracting enough to make you forget your boo and to make your life a lil’ less stoopit.

1. “Hurricane Jane” – Black Kids

“It’s Friday night and I ain’t got nobodaaay, so what’s the use of making the bed”…If you want to feel pathetic-er than usual, you can wallow in this thrashy new wave gem and wail like the abandoned club kid you are. You big baby.

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Hmmm…

January 7, 2008

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I’m a give it to you yokels straight. A bitch is finally gettin’ paid so she don’t have time to blog all the live long day like some pop culture peon. You rock hoes keep commenting and clicking on age-old shit that I threw together months ago on some,”fuck my job, I ain’t working for the next two hours” bullplop.
You know where I’ve been. I’ve been gettin’ dick. The dick done just infected my brain and I done lost my mind and made the idea of crawling my nekkid ass from under the covers to some eye-sizzling computer screen seem extra gay.

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The Life And Times Of A Ho

October 26, 2007

 

Hey Kids,

Gather ’round for some oversharin’!! Maybe one of the reasons I’ve been super MIA is because this rowdy African boy has made me an honest woman. It was a very sweet process where I essentially harrassed him for months until he finally gave in and yielded me complete rule over his nether-regions. We’ve been in boyfriend-and-girlfriend bliss for about a month. Longest fucking 30 days of my life.

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Taste The Rainbow

September 22, 2007

I used to wonder how Diddy could possibly fit in the closet? What, with all his velour Sean John jumpsuits and ghetto fabulous three piece ensembles? But then I saw this.

Guess he found a way.

Only next time I’d like to see him make it more believable. Shit, even those of us with mild retardation and snow blindness can see the gay just oozing out. To quote my damn self, he’s coming at you with a double sided dildo and some AIDS in his pocket so you better watch out. Plus, that shit probably smells like pine corns and dookie butter. No thank you Ms. Diddy. Try again.

Lucid Dreamer Returns

July 24, 2007

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You know how your love life is gaytarded? Luci Lu has got some flava to help combat those ice-cold sheets or turn your walk of shames into walk of fames. Holla!

Dear Lucid Dreamer,

Before I was this big ho. I mean, a pulse and place and I was ready to go. But recently, for no reason, I’m not interested in arbitrarily humpin’ around. What happened? Did I catch the ghey? Does sluttiness expire? Help!!!

– Reluctantly Behaving Myself

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Wigger Of The Week: Brian Austin Green

June 3, 2007

 

Dear Boys,

FUCK OFF!

Love,
Conny

Sorry, children, but that was so necessary. ‘Tis the season for spring fever to end and all the boyfriends (or boys you have been bonking if you’re a ho like me) to fade away and all us womenfolk sit around singing “Independent Women Pt. 2” and buying high heels to strut around in, you know, “in case” we run into that ex-boy at the club, on the street, in front of his building with a crate of eggs. You know, spontaneity. I guess I need, as my ghetto friend would say, a new boopiece. Although my next jump-off may just come out of a box from Japan with three vibration settings.

But one boy who will never waste my cotton pickin’ time is our latest Wigger Of The Week – Brian Austin Green. Boyfriend played David Silver on bratty 90s teen soap Beverly Hills 90210.

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Lucid Dreamer Loves You

May 24, 2007

 

Hey gang! Many of you may know that when it comes to her love life, Conny is either a hot ass or a hot ass mess. So I ain’t got no bizzyness tellin’ naan y’all how to keep him at home, work the middle or get the spice back into the bedroom. I’m pretty good at anonymous make-out sessions and late-night text message wars but otherwise, you got me. (My girls, beautiful and racially ambiguous potential video-ho-esque they may be, are no better. Check out my girl Rehes’ perspective on why boys are poo!)

However, one of Conny’s friends does have his cotton pickin’ head on straight and he’ll be contributing as a love and relationship expert (by expert I mean, he doesn’t have any baby mamas or the gay cancer so I guess he’s alright). Children, bend over and receive Lucid Dreamer as he dishes on fool ass scenarios that Conny “readers” (some of them are clearly just me trying to get my life together) send over.

Dig in!

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