Archive for the ‘Black Hipster Profile’ Category

Wait…

June 21, 2007

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This ho’s on her third child? And she popped out another one named Deskchaser or something 12 years ago? What rock have I been living under? And can I relocate to Lisa Bonet’s part of town because clearly her neck of the woods is poppin’…

And when did she turn 39?

And when did Zoe’s breasts get so applelicious?

Ok…I’m done.

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Black Hipster Profile: Cam’Ron

May 16, 2007

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Ok, this is very easy. My man Cameron Gilles dresses like a homo, lost mad weight for no good ass reason, always has a bad attitude and can get shot and will still roll to the party. All around, a hot ass blipster mess.

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“I Was There” Files: Lloyd + Mya Dodge Avenger Blah Blah Blah

April 20, 2007

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Yeah, so Conny’s bored and decided to throw up a few pennies about this splaboofest sponsored by Essence magazine and Dodge Avenger where Lloyd and Mya performed. That mess was boooorrrr-iiiiiiing.

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Black Hipster Profile: J* Davey

April 10, 2007

Hot.

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Black Hipster Profile: Angelina Jolie

April 8, 2007

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Now, forget the fact that girlfriend technically does not have any splaboo blood that we know about. But judging from those lips I wouldn’t be suprised if she was just some wayward mulatto whose bloodline has been led astray over the years. Besides, she has more black children then Halle Berry, Oprah Winfrey and Condoleeza Rice combined — that oughta count for somethin.’

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Black Hipster Profile: Lupe Fiasco

March 5, 2007

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 Yeah, I’ve been avoiding this because it’s pretty fuckin’ trite. He’s a negro, he skateboards, he jocks Pharrell’s dick like joystick, yada, yada, yada.

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Black Hipster Profile: Nina Simone

February 9, 2007

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Oh, I know shouts of blasphemy and heresy are about to rock the peanut gallery but that’s ok, I don’t like none of you fools no way. Nina Simone. Most would never deign to associate this regal pillar of jazz legend with the motley crew of negroes who listen to indie music often termed blipsters (Hot damn, that never gets old! I’m naming my daughter Blipster). But another glance – a glance that agrees with everything I say – will reveal that she is the hipster standard; the one all us fools should strive to be like.

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Black Hipster Profile: Snoop Dogg

February 7, 2007

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Many of you may wonder about today’s black hipster profile. “But Conny,” you say “this is a negro who epitomizes ghetto-fantabulousness at its zenith. Is this man not an O.G.? Hipster, we shake our heads and bellow nay!” And if you speak like an 18th century filibusterer, I don’t know why you’re on the internet instead of your daily fox hunt but that’s neither here nor there.

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Black Hipster Profile: Kelis

February 5, 2007

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One of the first to ever do it..Ms. Kelis Rogers. I’ve been an obsessive fan since 1999’s “Caught Out There.” I was with her when she had pink hair and a chin-and-a-half and I loved her senselessly. She’s been a style icon and music renegade since I was old enough to care about either so she will forever rock my world.

 Brief run-down: Born and bred in Harlem, Cablasian (Black, Asian and some Puerto Rican but she still counts as a negro), ran away from home as a teen, I think played the violin, broke in the biz with the synth-happy Neptunes (allegedly dated the Pharrell, not sure how true that is) and now married to Nasir Jones. Been inspiring left-of-center negro girls for over seven years now.

Now, I am still a fan of Mrs. Jones’ Kimora-Meets-AFI fabulous ghetto queen look but as far as a black hipster template, it’s all about early Kelis. Her debut Kaleidescope features early Neptunes and Clipse collabos, chunky, luminous synths and lyrics about motherfuckers and Mars. It rocked on too many levels. Her second album, Wanderland, was only released abroad and features some of the most dynamic Neptunes-Kelis tracks ever.

Now girlfriend’s dropped some weight, doesn’t call Pharrell anymore and sings reject Ciara songs. WTF, my love, wtf? I’ll always remember in her blue-haired mesh-shirt, graffiti-pants, dressed-like-she-eats-paint glory.

Black Hipster Profile: Lisa Bonet/Denise Huxtable

January 24, 2007

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Lisa Bonet is easily one of the most prominent black hipsters ever but I couldn’t decide whether to focus on her real life or her Cosby persona (between the face paint and braces girlfriend often looked like a rebel without an orthodontist). But I’m just gonna talk about both interchangeably and you’re gonna sit there and like it.

Denise has alllll of the most coveted hipster credentials: Rich, lives in Brooklyn (since she’s rich she doesn’t have to but that’s what the kids are doing these days) , dropped out of college, grew locs even though she has white-girl hair, cusses out her parents, is functionally homeless, dresses like a hobo on a spaceship, etc. I could totally see Denise drinking a Sparks and making out at Savalas with one of the members of TV On The Radio. Like she would have really fit in at Hillman.

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