Archive for the ‘African Miscellany’ Category

I Usually Don’t Like Nigerians…

August 14, 2008

But this shit is genius…

I”ve got a law degree…and I thank god for that…



January 7, 2008


I’m a give it to you yokels straight. A bitch is finally gettin’ paid so she don’t have time to blog all the live long day like some pop culture peon. You rock hoes keep commenting and clicking on age-old shit that I threw together months ago on some,”fuck my job, I ain’t working for the next two hours” bullplop.
You know where I’ve been. I’ve been gettin’ dick. The dick done just infected my brain and I done lost my mind and made the idea of crawling my nekkid ass from under the covers to some eye-sizzling computer screen seem extra gay.


The Life And Times Of A Ho

October 26, 2007


Hey Kids,

Gather ’round for some oversharin’!! Maybe one of the reasons I’ve been super MIA is because this rowdy African boy has made me an honest woman. It was a very sweet process where I essentially harrassed him for months until he finally gave in and yielded me complete rule over his nether-regions. We’ve been in boyfriend-and-girlfriend bliss for about a month. Longest fucking 30 days of my life.


Arses, The Lot Of You!

October 23, 2007

Casting Call - Girl 1 

So lately I’ve been spending a lot of time being edgy. I mean, that’s kind of a complete lie, but I want to make this next rant a bit more picturesque. So, during my recent edgy exploits, I’ve been hanging with a lot of underground, indie, hipster-hop, exclusive tastemaker type jump-offs. Scenester 30 year-olds in day-glo windbreakers who have health plans and end up looking ridiculous bouncing to Plastic Little at Hiro Ballroom. Just sadness.


Here’s The Deal

October 5, 2007


Recently, my sister asked me a very stupid question:

Sistah Enwird: would you watch “The Price is Right” if Dave Chappelle was the host?


Live Blog: Down and Derby @ Studio B

September 16, 2007


I just want to say that thanks to my fancy grown people phone, I’m blogging live from Down and Derby at Studio B. Can I just say that the fact that I have time to blog from a party is fucking depressing.

I’m in line in a hot ass room with a bunch of American Apparel-clad bk, dick riders(myself included as I definitely bought spangled, gold hot pants specifically for the event.I’m a dorkus porkus).

I’ve blogged drunk before but this is like blogging from a coffin. Shit is mad hot and stupid…I kinda forgot why I’m here. Last time I came it was chill and rowdy and a bunch of cool kids looking for a drunken, rollicking roll around the block. But now, the shit is all corporate with sponsorship from URB, AA and other muhfuckas. I do see a boy who’s dressed absolutely perfectly in a leisure pants and a tight, patterned button-down unbuttoned down to there…

Either way, the music is whatever, I can’t believe I bought into this poser consumerism and making money sucks because you become so out of touch that you think things like a roller derby at a club can retain it’s luster after the first go around.

How sad that is.

UPDATE: It wasn’t that fucking bad.

People are on blast here

“I Was There” Files: Cool Kids @ Hiro

September 14, 2007


Here’s the thing. I love and hate Hiro. It’s a great concept: Take an upscale meatpacking bar and turn it over the most fabulous hipsters in the city who stand outside scowling and pretending they have real jobs while some instantly hot new dj collective spins the same medley of Daft Punk-Spank Rock-NWA randomness to a crowd soused with $4 Sparks. I mean, that’s what dreams are made of, no? No, is right.


Some Next Next New New Type Ish

August 30, 2007


As a hyper-Americanized, wayward African youth it’s completely normal for me to understand “liberal American” things like tattoos and piercings. When I was 16, I went to some shady piercing spot and got my eyebrow done, only to come home to my dad saying nothing to me but a curse word or 5 in Lingala. Mind you this lasted for months. Then there was that time years later when I came back from Toronto with a pierced tongue and my parents were convinced that I was “on the cracks.” And yes, they really did say “the cracks.”


“I Was There” Files: DJ Spinna @ Hudson Hotel

August 29, 2007


Ahem. You’ll notice Conny is, uh…how you say…a lazy ho. I changed jobs (I’m no longer at McDonalds. I’m now an assistant manager at Burger King! Woo-fuckin’-hoo!!), I’m preparing to move (my roomate is a crazy stank-ass ho and she must be stopped), and I professed my love (he didn’t say shit back. Fuck his couch). So basically I’ve been a hot crankin’ mess.

But, we’re back.


“I Was There” Files: Daft Punk @ Keyspan Park

August 10, 2007


Yeah I was there and so was all of Williamsburg and LES (I wonder who was watching the borough…?). And it was an odd yet amazing mix of typical grungy-fingernailed, hipster children in short pants, random “white hats” and “ya-dudes” (in da bean, that’s what we call those awful Abercrombie frat fools who run around spouting “ya dude, so I totally banged ha mutha”), spicy Euro-trash (something about a man with nominal English skills and an astro-mullet makes my vagina giggle) and random shiny coloreds. I kept snapping my neck around at all the sharply dressed coloreds dotting the audience.