You know what’s real in these streets? Alcoholism. Like, for serious. A restaurant can serve gasoline-soaked woodchips with Funion garnish for all I give a cotdamn, as long as there are bangin’ ass drink specials. Wednesdays at Anytime features all-night $1 well drinks which I now refer to as communion. If I’m meeting some friends for Sunday afternoon tea, I pick up a handle of Seagram’s on the way. You know, just for mothafunkin’ kicks. Everything is better, ( work, sex, violence, whatever), when the eyelids are a little heavy.

Anyway, the point is of this story, is well…nothing, really. I just wanted to hear myself type.

I do, however, have some related, kick-ass help for the broken-hearted: the ultimate blipster break-up mix. Too sad break-up music makes you a cutter and too happy break-up music just gives you a beat to cut to. Here’s a few songs that are distracting enough to make you forget your boo and to make your life a lil’ less stoopit.

1. “Hurricane Jane” – Black Kids

“It’s Friday night and I ain’t got nobodaaay, so what’s the use of making the bed”…If you want to feel pathetic-er than usual, you can wallow in this thrashy new wave gem and wail like the abandoned club kid you are. You big baby.

2. “Black Ice (Hymn 4 Disco)” – K-Os

Ok, see I don’t get why cool kids are so anti-K-os because really he has the same douchey appeal that most of your favorite non-rappers have. He whines like a girl but at least he doesn’t dress like one (ahem). But this is exactly the jumpy yet breezy melody you can bray along to while you swig a 40, remember when you 2-stepped at 205 and sob into your pillow. “I’ll play it cool till the night’s over. When are you coming back, to save this heart of mine…”

3. “No Love” – The Teenagers

So, upon first looks the Teenagers are just some motherfuckers in tight, bright, bullshit. No skin off my back if I miss all of their Hiro DJ sets. But “No Love” made me want to break up all over again.  “You’re always like, ‘why do you have to see your friends so often. Are they more important than me?’ ‘Why do you spend so much time on your computer? You eyes are getting red. Or maybe it the whatever…'” It makes the heart-dissolving baloney of breaking up seem like a sparkly piece of unicorn pie.

4. “Golden Cage” – The Whitest Boy Alive

These Swedes (or I think they’re Swedes. Who’s whiter than Swedes?) make the happiest depressing music ever. I think Golden Cage is the bestest because it talks about how the city you fell in love with won’t be the same, but how it was kinda awful when you were together and pissy all the time. Basically, love is for jokers and rich syncophants who can move away. Not for peasants like myself who have to avoid 80 percent of the bars you hit up way back when you were happy.

5. “Born Under Punches (The Beat Goes On)” – Talking Heads

I played this on loop for 4 hours and cleaned my room in ass-crack skimming boy shorts. I felt empowered.

Hope this helps. If not, later on I’ll be making some Drano cocktails for the losers…er…lovers…no goddamit LOSERS in the house. Bring some pie.

Don’t those cotdamned Black Kids look wholesome?


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