How To Blog On CP Time

slaves.jpg

Or colored people time for all our pale skinned friends out there.

I know my black ass is days late talkin about this, but I could really care less. I had a horrible holiday and it ain’t a coincindence. Why? Becase Labor Day is the absolute worst holiday in existence. Seriously. And it’s time for me to learn you why.

I may sound ignorant as hell but what are we celebrating here anyway? A holiday for the fuckin’ working man? How tragically American- working for 3/4 of the year like a bunch of dusty slaves and then deciding that one day off is all we need?! Fuck you! I’m gonna start celebrating whenever I damn well please.

July 23rd? Labor Day. February 19th? Labor Day. Whenever the fuck I decide to call in sick? Naw son, that’s Labor Day. And while we’re at it, I’m taking my 2 hour European lunch break too. And that’s only the beginning.

Remember when Labor Day was completely insignificant? It marked the end of summer (kinda) and all white clothing (whatever). That was it. Now, the holiday has become some sort of social barometer. If you don’t have plans to go upstate, up-north, or up to wherever the fuck is not your current location, you are extremely pathetic. Tragic even. Regardless of the fact that less than 5% of the American population is even afforded this luxury in the first place!

So why would the average American want to spend all their rent money gallivanting around the Hamptons like a goddamn Hilton sister? Apparently, to avoid a potentially awkward situation to come on Tuesday. Either you’ve gotta tell your coworkers the truth- you were at your grandma’s eating barbequed meat pie while your cousin’s bulemic girlfriend was choking on her own vomit in the nearby bathroom- or you gotta lie.

Yo son, it was sick. I was on George Michael’s yacht drinking champers, jammin’ out to Father Figure ‘n shit. There was like a quadrillion people there all fuckin’. Just straight fuckin’ all up and down the floorboards. Man, even Elton John was gettin’ his dick sucked IN THE CABIN DOGG, I seent it! And naw man, I ain’t gay .

Um yea, so like when the fuck did a day of family barbeques turn into a weekend of summer shares and invite onlys? Three words. Diddy’s White Party.

A glorified church fashion show with bottle service that in 9 years has managed to spawn dozens of replicas all along the island- shit, all across America- each with stricter door policies and dress codes than the next. But how about some perspective- do you really want to hang out with a bunch of East Hampton rejects anyway? Hell to the naw. Chiiiild, just give me a rooftop and some muthafuckin’ Sparks and I’ll have a time all my own ’cause frankly, that shit sounds tired.

In fact, all this shit is tired! People who would never be caught dead at a party sponsored by Juicy Couture are now guzzlin’ Grey Goose straight from the bottle alongside some cast members of The Hills just ’cause its fuckin’ Labor Day.

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Boo. Give me a break.

PLUS, do I even need to point out that Labor Day began a little over a decade after the abolition of slavery in the United States? See, when the negros were all shuckin’ up and down the plantation a day of rest never mattered, did it? But then when the white man had to do it himself all of a sudden it became tiresome?!!!!!!!! WTF???!!!!!!!

(Oh, ‘scuse me y’all, I was a PoliSci major)

Anyway, the point is I say fuck a Labor Day. Next year you can find me celebrating on my couch, watching nothing but Cosby Show reruns, sippin’ on a box of wine.  And you best believe it will be on April 24th. Ya heard?

xoxo,

Lady Half-Breed

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