As a hyper-Americanized, wayward African youth it’s completely normal for me to understand “liberal American” things like tattoos and piercings. When I was 16, I went to some shady piercing spot and got my eyebrow done, only to come home to my dad saying nothing to me but a curse word or 5 in Lingala. Mind you this lasted for months. Then there was that time years later when I came back from Toronto with a pierced tongue and my parents were convinced that I was “on the cracks.” And yes, they really did say “the cracks.”
Archive for August, 2007
Allo, allo, allo.
So who’s a lazy ho? …I’m a lazy ho.
I’ve had a whirlwind schedule lately, what with picking my nose and wiping the goobers on my wall after sharecropping all day. So my partner in all things fool is going to pitch in with her takes on life’s little foibles.
Presenting Lady Half-Breed!!
A few things:
Lady Half-Breed’s mother is Kansas while her dad is from the Congo.
…Which brings us to point number 2: Lady Half-Breed is a tragic mulatto.
Homegirl is blogging from Detroit. Big up the midwest. Woop woop.
Remember all those posts when I was puking Sparks outside some starlet’s release party in NYC’s MPD? She had everything to do with that.
Her acid tongue sometimes makes me blush. So her writing will likely make your head explode. With goodness.
Have fucking fun!
Ahem. You’ll notice Conny is, uh…how you say…a lazy ho. I changed jobs (I’m no longer at McDonalds. I’m now an assistant manager at Burger King! Woo-fuckin’-hoo!!), I’m preparing to move (my roomate is a crazy stank-ass ho and she must be stopped), and I professed my love (he didn’t say shit back. Fuck his couch). So basically I’ve been a hot crankin’ mess.
But, we’re back.
Calvin Harris is the definition of “fuckin’ right”! Meaningless, tinny electro is all the rage these days and you can’t go to a party sponsored by some clothing company you’ve never heard of and not hear a trio of overbilled DJs biting Flock Of Seagulls and calling it “new wave.” Bastardos.
I got this new Bob Marley and the Wailers’ Roots, Rock, Remixed album a while ago and basically didn’t believe it at first. Usually when I hear an album there’s a lot of, “that was garbage, that track was less a waste of time than the first but way more gaytarded than track three and track three is for foolheaded wankers.” But this jawn is a whole of lot fucking good. It’s a twelve track collection of Marley era jump-offs (mostly when Bob was fronting the Wailers and Peter Tosh was off being a problem negro) that’s been re-worked by a lot of downtempo electronica beatmeisters and includes revamps by Fort Knox and Cordovan.
Yeah I was there and so was all of Williamsburg and LES (I wonder who was watching the borough…?). And it was an odd yet amazing mix of typical grungy-fingernailed, hipster children in short pants, random “white hats” and “ya-dudes” (in da bean, that’s what we call those awful Abercrombie frat fools who run around spouting “ya dude, so I totally banged ha mutha”), spicy Euro-trash (something about a man with nominal English skills and an astro-mullet makes my vagina giggle) and random shiny coloreds. I kept snapping my neck around at all the sharply dressed coloreds dotting the audience.
Wow. Lauryn Hill usually gets a bit of shade from me because I’ve heard all this foolery about her missing shows and being a general stank ass. But girlfriend TORE IT UP last night in the Crown Heights, that lovely, jank-ass repository of splaboohood. Girlfriend did it so dirty, I wrote a review of it in my white voice. Lookee:
Lauryn Hill, the ex-Fugee member who captivated fans with her acclaimed 1998 solo debut, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, rocked a massive crowd in Brooklyn’s Wingate Park on Monday night, quelling fears that her talent has fizzled over the past decade.
So M.I.A. went off on those ‘mos over at Pitchfork. She was basically like, “fuck Diplo, that rowdy paleskin’ ain’t make me! He ain’t no Berry to my Diana, no Irv Gotti to my Ashanti, no peanut butter to my mothafunkin’ jelly!! I did this album with me!! And some other people, including Diplo, but NOT Diplo!!”