Wigger Of The Week: Brian Austin Green

 

Dear Boys,

FUCK OFF!

Love,
Conny

Sorry, children, but that was so necessary. ‘Tis the season for spring fever to end and all the boyfriends (or boys you have been bonking if you’re a ho like me) to fade away and all us womenfolk sit around singing “Independent Women Pt. 2” and buying high heels to strut around in, you know, “in case” we run into that ex-boy at the club, on the street, in front of his building with a crate of eggs. You know, spontaneity. I guess I need, as my ghetto friend would say, a new boopiece. Although my next jump-off may just come out of a box from Japan with three vibration settings.

But one boy who will never waste my cotton pickin’ time is our latest Wigger Of The Week – Brian Austin Green. Boyfriend played David Silver on bratty 90s teen soap Beverly Hills 90210.

 

I personally never watched that ish because 1) I was more a Ren and Stimpy person (I’m still recovering from the extensive brain damage from the detailed cartoon smut that ravaged my childhood) and 2) I don’t trust network television (too wacky). But the Notorious BAG did show up on my radar because for whatever reason, my nigra gal pals in da bean all thought he was the truth. I guess I can see the attraction with that majestic crest of hair held upright with copious amounts of mousse and such and his faint tan which paired with a low fade and saggin’ pants meant he could pass for a brotha. Or something…

Anyway, BAG played David Silver who eventually bonked Donna Martin (that special ho with the canine features,Tori Spelling) and that was like, totally, monumental and like, yeah. What cracks me up is ya boy plays a clueless wigger on the show and one point launches a cringe-packed “rap” career. Which is fine and all but why did dude extend his wiggerness past TV land and put out a real album like he was really doin’ it? What in crack’s name? The truly pitiful thing is he got The Pharcyde to co-sign his foolishness! I mean…!!! At the time The Pharcyde was ear-fucking hip hop with their Jay Dee helmed beats and loopy rhymes so that’s tantamount to Nas endorsing The Wiggles. Like…no.

But in that post-Snow and pre-Eminem age, dude gave wiggers everywhere something to aspire to. If you appeal to little teen white girls whose heads might as well be full of strawberry jam and rainbow sprinkles, you will get some hungry nigra to back you up.

Now I guess BAG is hanging around, giving birth to gaywad children and battling a receding hair-line due to years of DEP abuse but eh, you really don’t care do you. He’ll always be David Silver or as I’ll know him, that oversteppin’ TV wigger. Cheers BAG, may your kind continue to raise the bar to new heights of phool.

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4 Responses to “Wigger Of The Week: Brian Austin Green”

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