Archive for June, 2007

Bless His Uppity Little Heart!

June 29, 2007

“Well, it didn’t help me on the set that I was a black man who wasn’t a mush-mouth Negro walking around with his head in his hands all the time. I didn’t speak like I’d just left the plantation and that can be a problem for people sometime,” he said.

You know when you’ve found your soulmate…


“I Was There” Files: Yo Majesty @ Studio B

June 27, 2007


Last weekend was Pride Weekend so the streets were littered with chintzy flags and chiseled fags. Small children were wearing rainbow bracelets which confused me no little. I mean do New York toddlers have a sophisticated awareness of sexuality or did they just like wavin’ around rainbows all pretty-like? I’ma stay prayed up that it is the latter…


With Lusty Abandon…

June 26, 2007


You know who’s fun? Pharoahe Monch. Pharoahe Monch is fun. I mean, the ho has the most awkward and deceptive name spelling of anything ever but ooohwee if’n the chile ain’t a fun time. Here’s some fun facts about Pharoahe:

He’s way gorgeous in person. Like, you’re not expecting him to be so cute but he is. And cut too. You can slice some bistek on those biceps. It’s what we sophisticates call, yum.

Also, he’s chatty. Like, way chatty. Not in a bad way at all, but in a totally fantastic way. You’ll be like, “Hay Pharoahe, how you doin’?” and he’ll be all, “Yeah, I went to the dentist and he spent all this time looking at my teeth. I think I have some teeth in the back of my mouth that he really likes. It was weird. Then I had to spit out all this Listerine. But yeah, the dentist is cool.” Then you walk away wishing your life was as full of as much endless wonder as Pharaohe’s.

Thirdly, homeboy just dropped one of the best hip hop albums of the year (I know that usually means ca-ca coming from pie-faced media critics but coming from me you know surely, it’s for serious).


Let’s Hope India Doesn’t Have Rock…

June 22, 2007


So apparently moving to an Indian village just got a whole lot more appealing:

Do you think they drunk dial other rodents? Like after they’ve nibbled
through a few errant casks they roll up on squirrels like, “Fuck yo’ tail! You ain’t
nobody! I got back too! Yo tail ain’t shit! Yeah, go eat a nut…” then they
fall asleep in a pile of trash with their little legs sticking in the air.

Shoot, I know I do…

Chrisette Michelle’s World

June 21, 2007

Chrisette Michelle is um…I don’t know. I want to say underserved and on a label who’s hip hop identity is strong too represent her properly but mostly, girlfriend just strikes me as all around odd. Her latest album, I Am, or I’m Here, or I Didn’t Fuck Jay-Z So My Product Manager Doesn’t Care About Me came out recently and uh, it’s uh, not as horrifying as I thought.



June 21, 2007


This ho’s on her third child? And she popped out another one named Deskchaser or something 12 years ago? What rock have I been living under? And can I relocate to Lisa Bonet’s part of town because clearly her neck of the woods is poppin’…

And when did she turn 39?

And when did Zoe’s breasts get so applelicious?

Ok…I’m done.

“I Was There” Files: King Britt @ Hudson Hotel

June 21, 2007


Ok, ok, ok. So Philly house master King Britt stopped through my apartment on Monday (I’m basically subletting at Hudson Hotel, what with Giant Step’s rowdy Private Park series) and he nearly killed me. I mean fantab, children, fantab!!


Conny’s Alive!!

June 21, 2007


Oh my goodness children many, many, many apologies for being so derelict. I got so many yarns to spin, y’all besta just sit down hush yo’ pie hole for a few.

 So just a brief run-down as to what I’ve been up to:

I Was There…

Turntables On The Hudson at Hudson Hotel – Man if those chillun’ didn’t straight up kill it, what with the live drumming and bringing out the ethnicks to typically uber-douchebaggy Hudson Bar. (more…)

“You Ignant Fuckwad!”: A Conversation With Little Marvin

June 3, 2007


Hellooooooo children! I’s got something special for you!!! Introducing another crazy negro, Little Marvin!!!

Recently I sat down with ( by “sat down with” I mean “emailed questions to”…bless the MySpace) NY comic and all-American phool,

Little Marvin.  I caught wind of his comedy a while back and stalked him like a nutbar for a few weeks. When I convinced him that

answering a couple questions would be way less messy than that whole restraining-order dealie, he sent over these answers. Enjoy!

1) Why are you so funny? You got a cocaine problem or something?

A: Cocaine problem? Oxymoron. Anyway, it’s medical cocaine. Legal.

2) How did all this foolishness (I guess you’d call it comedy) start?

A: I suppose 3 things contributed to what the world is modestly deeming my ‘comic brilliance’:

1) I was conceived while my parent’s were watching Eddie Murphy’s ‘Raw’. My dad assumed my mom was laughing at the movie.
2) I had few friends growing up, so I spent a good portion of my early life in an imaginary world of my own making: I could fly. Everyone was made of marshmallow. The Holocaust happened. What a kid can’t dream up, huh?
3) This is very difficult for me to talk about but…I was molested by 80s comedian Gallagher as a child. He lured me with smashed watermelons. Which was both racist, and a great prop bit. I learned a lot that summer.


Wigger Of The Week: Brian Austin Green

June 3, 2007


Dear Boys,



Sorry, children, but that was so necessary. ‘Tis the season for spring fever to end and all the boyfriends (or boys you have been bonking if you’re a ho like me) to fade away and all us womenfolk sit around singing “Independent Women Pt. 2” and buying high heels to strut around in, you know, “in case” we run into that ex-boy at the club, on the street, in front of his building with a crate of eggs. You know, spontaneity. I guess I need, as my ghetto friend would say, a new boopiece. Although my next jump-off may just come out of a box from Japan with three vibration settings.

But one boy who will never waste my cotton pickin’ time is our latest Wigger Of The Week – Brian Austin Green. Boyfriend played David Silver on bratty 90s teen soap Beverly Hills 90210.