Someone Has Daddy Issues…

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This was basically the only thing that made me smile today. Luckily, it was quite effective.

Can we talk about a bullshit day? It was “Take Your Kids To Work Day” aka “Smoke Crack Rock Day.” Why the hell would you want dozens of gangly pre-teens wandering around while you’re trying get your professional on. Asking you stupid questions, making the break room look like home room and us childless workers have to hold back when we notice the CEO’s daughter is in her “awkward” stage. Yucky. And I’m surfing the crimson wave! Ugh, eat a dick with AIDS on the tip.

And why did my love life just get ridiculous? Conny got hit on by this OLD, OLD, OLD damn crypt-pimpin’ man. I was coming back from this bologna-ass afternoon date (I need to just stay my ass at home) and oh my christ, this old ass cat rolled up on me on some, “Don’t press play on that player thing, you got there – what’s that an I-IPod? – just listen to me for a second.” Strike no. 1: His old ass has to search through his whippersnappers vocab to figure out the name of that tiny, new-fangled computer betwixt my fingers. What saved him from getting a curtsy and directions to the nearest AARP branch was he was 6’5″, light-skinnded, with brown eyes light from either years of colonization or senility. Either way, I imagined at some point he was probably some dapper sailor, named Buster who fought in Koh-Rea.

He chats me up and guesses my age to be 19. I swear he deflated a bit when I said I was 23 – apparently too old for this dirty ol’ coot. When I looked around for my pen, I pulled out a condom by accident (I’m a ho these days) and I’m sure that didn’t help shoo away that ol’ cocksucker. I gave him my email addy and when I asked if that was ok, my man said, “Yeah, once I figure out how to use email.” Oh, some dirty ol’ coot humor! Figured I got to keep this guy around.

Jesus, I feel like he’s gonna send me some crazy email inviting me to a sock hop at The Savoy and asking how I like my marshmallow surprise. Then I’ll meet his friends Harold, Chester and Mortimer while he guzzles a Centrum and prune smoothie and he’ll drop me off at the end of the night at 5:30pm. I mean the man is 60! 60 goddamn years old!! The only things I fuck with over 30 years old are award show anniversary specials! And that’s only to hate on the clothes!

But shoot, he is a senior citizen so I could get half offa every’thang. Do senior citizen have rent specials? I may have to keep his ol’ ass on my ho line…at least for the benefits.

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