Archive for January, 2007

Ooohh Grade Me Professor Hot Buns

January 25, 2007

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So I’m as much of a closet John Legend fan as the next negro hipster but these turtlenecks make me want to cut myself.

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Negroes In The News

January 25, 2007

There were alot of pictures of negroes lookin’ crazy this week so I’m about to take it back.

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Fantasia (such an unfortunely hood ass name) opened for Jamie Foxx at Madison Square Garden the other day. Ok, so I only got one question for Fantasia? Where in crackhead hell are girlfriend’s shoes?

Ok, that’s a lie, I got whoooole lot more questions for girlfriend. Was she singing or shitting? Is she trying to fly? Why does she look like Nettie in The Color Purple (WRIIIIIITE!!)? Why is she trying to destroy me?

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Wait…What?

January 24, 2007

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Like really, why is this going so far?  

Word on the street is Isaiah Washington is going to rehab for…wait for it…name-calling. What thee fuck, my friends? I tried to stay mum on this whole f-word debacle because Isaiah is one of my favorite actors ever. I mean EVER!! When he was that soul brotha with the chocolate muscles in Crooklyn, when he was the crazy klepto in Girl 6, when he couldn’t get it together as Savad in Love Jones, even that episode of Living Single when he had this kind of stalker crush on Khadijah I was in love!!! I even saw him in Dancing in September! Did you see that!?!? Exact-fuckin’-ly. Oh my christ, he could get it anyway he wants – on the patio table, on the laundry room floor, in a back alley with a midget watching, I don’t give a shit. He sets my loins ablaze.

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HOMOREVOLUTION!!!

January 24, 2007

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No chile, that is not no snarky blog euphemism or convenient word mash-up to describe a current event. This is a real tour. Homorevolution 2007 is a tour with all the hottest openly gay (cuz if we count closeted MCs this would just be another G-Unit and Cash Money funded soiree) rappers of the day including Deadlee and Delacruz. So, I ain’t ne’er heard of none of these fools but this chick Melange Lavonne (homo hottie in the wifebeater) could get it – you know, if her myspace pic isn’t a sham…which it most likely is.

Oh my gays have come out the closet with doo-rags and gangsta grillz and they’re trying to take back hip hop. I could make a whole bunch of digs about rainbow-striped timbs, Bareback Compton and voguing in the ‘hood but I don’t even have the energy. It’s all been zapped by the title: HOMOREVOLUTION!! VIVA LA HOMO!! Oh my Christ, that is the best title for anything ever. I’m gonna need a t-shirt. Oooohh girl, I can see them voguing in the parking lot of these shows like “who’s bad?!”

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Check out their MySpace (naw I ain’t on there yet, dirty cyber whippersnappers) http://www.myspace.com/homorevolution

Oh, those gays have got me going. They can come over to my house for Christmas goose anytime.

Oooohhh…

January 24, 2007

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Oh no. We’ve got to talk about this. Coco Camel Toe! – Headline ConnyKate news. I used to wonder how such bionic booty could end up on a white girl and this picture says it all. She was built from the remnants of dozens of other cast-off porn stars which would explain why she has the vagooj of nearly five women.

Doesn’t she kinda look like a superhero and her super power is Takin’ It Like A Champ. Can’t you see her like:

Coco: I am Coco! Vagooj Stare! The fire of my loins has the power of a thousand nipple clamps! *Flames fly out of her ass — she defeats her opponent with a squirt of KY*

Baby Jesus slit his wrists.

Young, Black and Fabulous is trying to destroy me: http://ybf.blogspot.com/2007/01/caption-this.html#links

No, for serious, you can leave comments on this blog. We’ve got to talk about this. I need closure.

Black Hipster Profile: Lisa Bonet/Denise Huxtable

January 24, 2007

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Lisa Bonet is easily one of the most prominent black hipsters ever but I couldn’t decide whether to focus on her real life or her Cosby persona (between the face paint and braces girlfriend often looked like a rebel without an orthodontist). But I’m just gonna talk about both interchangeably and you’re gonna sit there and like it.

Denise has alllll of the most coveted hipster credentials: Rich, lives in Brooklyn (since she’s rich she doesn’t have to but that’s what the kids are doing these days) , dropped out of college, grew locs even though she has white-girl hair, cusses out her parents, is functionally homeless, dresses like a hobo on a spaceship, etc. I could totally see Denise drinking a Sparks and making out at Savalas with one of the members of TV On The Radio. Like she would have really fit in at Hillman.

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“I Was There” Files: This One’s For The Hoes…Lloyd Banks at B.B. King’s

January 23, 2007

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Last Friday I went to a Lloyd Banks concert. I really should just end the post there and go flog myself for even entertaining such foolishness. The tickets were free from work and I wanted to maintain relationships, etc.

Lloyd Banks doles out the type of coon-ass music that once you turn 18 and begin to have responsibilities you lose your taste for. Most of my friends looked at me, first with disdain when they thought I actively sought out such foolery and then with pity upon learning my obligations. I could have easily Craigslisted those shits and have been $60 richer but I also thought the experience would be blog-worthy at the least (I s’pose that’s for you to decide).

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Dear Racially – Ambiguous Skinny Ho,

January 23, 2007

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Dear Cassie,

I see you’ve taken to wearing your hair in a radiant shade of urine yellow and I’m going to need you to stop.

You’re not Beyonce. You’re not fucking Jay-Z you’re fucking Diddy – you’ve got to keep these things straight. If you can’t even remember which big-lipped black mogul you’re screwing how are you ever gonna make it in this business. 

You’ve already taken to believing you’re the ‘Yonce and you’ve only slept your way to one hit single. You’ve got to bruise those knees a bit more if you want to be double-platinum and hold down the blue-chip endorsement deals.

Besides, Rihanna does a much better Beyonce than you and she is also screwing Jay.

Get it together.

Conny

Here’s Cassie at a recent premiere with a pic of Beyonce circa FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO!! Baby Jesus wept.

Maybe I should just sit down though because I definitely did wear my shirt backwards to work yesterday. Granted I didn’t come in looking like this:

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But I’m still fool.

Kelis’ Um…Does Stuff…With Cee-Lo…Weird

January 22, 2007

But not weird enough. If you know anything about me (chances are I harassed you personally about this blog) you’ll know that I like to pretend that Kelis is my crazy, older sister and role model in terms of dressing and acting a complete fool. So when I saw the coat which makes her look like a hooker from The Jetsons, I thought this vid had real off-the-wall potential. But at the end, I felt kinda cheated.

How are both rainbow-haired, gold-grill rockin’, Nas-fuckin’, Lycra-spokeswoman (she really was though) Kelis and Crazy mo-fo from Goodie Mob AND Gnarls Barkley Cee-Lo Green gonna be on a track and make this video that just looks like “Teletubbies in the ‘Hood.” 

My WB Childhood Stars Are Now Hot Ass Messes

January 22, 2007

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Tia Mowry, as in Tia and Tamera (Sista, Sis-TAH!!) is engaged. To whom, I don’t really care. Some elfin-lookin’ mofo who takes it up the butt. Add this to her “comeback” on the WB Part 2 CW “hit” The Game and I guess she’s turning out alright.  Sooo…is Tamera dead or what?

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Oh, oh, oh! Look, look, look! Ray-J (formerly of Moesha), my favorite little coattail rider has realized Brandy’s not even an interesting trainwreck anymore and has hopped on the Whitney Houston express to Cracktown. In other words, he’s doin’ the nasty with America’s most lovable rock ho (next to Tyrone Biggums and Propecia). At least that’s what all the ever reliable and non-bullshit filled gossip blogs (ConnyKate is not of this ilk of course) are saying.

I love that picture. You know the dialogue is like:

Whitney: Leave us alone! We got crack to do!

Ray-J: Yeah, and I got bitches to pee on!

And if you don’t know the real deal about Ray-J check here:

http://bossip.com/2007/01/ray-j-and-kim-kardashian-sex-tape-has.html

Concreteloop.com and Bossip.com has got full coverage of the foolishness:

http://www.bossip.com/2007/01/fill-in-blank-ray-j-and-whitney.html

http://concreteloop.com/2007/01/tia-mowry-confirms-engagement