“I Was There” Files: Brooklyn Philharmonic Closing Night

Listen, life can’t all be 40s and crack vials. You’ve got to expand your horizons, leave the Williamsburg once in a while and get yo culture on. I went to the Brooklyn Philharmonic’s The Road To Redemption and it was a treat. No bullshit.

That Bitch Done Got The Crazy: N*gga Bullshit

Apparently the negro hipster community has voiced concern over my use of certain language (aka hating on my shiny ass because they’re porch monkeys in skinny jeans). One such negro approached me on AIM recently on the issue:

Afrikabamhaytah: We need to talk about your new expression
Afrikabamhaytah: me and the color contingency of Williamsburg
Afrikabamhaytah: decided that you can no longer use the phrase “cotton picking” in any neighborhood that ends w/ burg
Afrikabamhaytah: or contains a significant amount of white people

Wigger Of The Week: Michael Rappaport

 

Because we all know one. He was the poor Polish kid in the hood-ass high school shaving lines into his head and wearing $3 dollar gold chains. He was the annoying, schlubby kid always trying to get in the mix, foaming at the mouth and waving his one rap CD in your face. No matter how much you talked like a white girl, enjoyed fool ass ofay music or got played by Quintia and LaShawn at summer camp, in the end it was ok because you still weren’t a wigger. So I’m going to bid homage to the herbiest of the herb every week because I may be a blipster but I’ll never be a wegro. First in the ring is Michael Rappaport.

Lord Have Mercy…

Jesus, Just Pick A Side Already

 

Lately, tastemakers have been assailed with samplers and “intimate listening sessions” from these two singer/songwriters who I already wish would choke on a chicken bone: Emily King and Kevin Michael.

Djeah, Whatever

Angelique Kidjo has a new album called Djin, Djin. I wish I could care since she’s all pretty and world musicky but she’s got some shit against her. She’s from Benin and I never know what to think about West African countries that aren’t Nigeria or Ghana (boo and yay respectively). Even though a lot of her language and music is similar, she still seems like a play step-second cousin. It’s like, if you’re so similar, why don’t you just be Ghanaian? I don’t know…’s weird.

Beatfanatic Is Doin’ It

No, this isn’t my latest Nazi doppleganger crush. This is Beatfanatic. A Nordic master of smearing beats together that make your pants twinkle and your toes wet. No, wait…that’s probably a little bit wrong.

“I Was There” Files: Amy Winehouse “Back To Black” Party

 

So why come suddenly every splaboo on the island has a hot crotch for Amy Winehouse? Girlfriend had a party last night to celebrate, um I guess the fact that she’s still alive since her album came out two months ago and Universal Republic is just getting around to telling the public.

Get Ready To Slice Some Wrists

 

Yeah, I need to collect my thoughts before I dive into the neverending string of foolishness that was the Kentucky Derby weekend. I’ll have updates for those salivating for more but I kinda need to remember all the ways I embarrassed my ancestors traipsing across Keeeeeeentuckyyyyy!

In the meantime, I came across Pretty Ricky’s latest video, “Push It Baby.” Who do these masked homos really think they are? Pretty Ricky are like those kids in kindergarten who huffed rubber cement, farted on animal crackers and were always trying to hump something or set it on fire. Creepy. Now these fucknuts have a record deal and I have no faith in humanity.

Keeeentuuuuuuucky!!!

I’m at the Kentucky Derby. I ‘ll fill you in on all the ass-crackiness when I get back to the Bed Stuy. But a little teaser:

Mary Jane

Loss of Virginity

Illicit Photos

Trashed in the Closet

Pray for me children.